Love They Say
by foreverbadatwriting
Summary: Tegan and Sara. Quincest. (au). Tegan enters into boarding school and becomes acquainted with her new roommate Sara; blissfully unaware of the events that were about to unfold.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: ****_I FINALLY DID ONE IN TEGAN'S POV_  
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**I thought of this idea on a whim and literally wrote this in an hour. I only read through it once so I'm sorry about spelling and grammar. I'll be uploading new material soon, which includes a one shot and another multi-chapter story, I just need to write the smut scenes in them. I know this sounds weird but it actually takes me a really long time to write smut because it makes me feel so awkward. Anyway, I hope you like the start of this one. Review and stuff because it helps me to know that what I'm doing is okay. Enjoy.**

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I was pulled out of the car before I had a chance to adjust. The drizzly rain gathered in drops on my blazer before being sucked unforgivingly into the fabric. I glanced around, finding only a mass of trees and a large, antique building ahead of me. A shiver ran over my body and goose-bumps raised themselves from the pale complexion. The gravel rustled beneath my leather shoes that squealed from the moisture of the rain. My hair was untidy, falling ungracefully across my forehead. I pulled at the collar of my shirt, prising away the top button and tugging the tie into a looser format. _Fucking uniforms_.

My mom put her arm around my shoulders and gently ushered me inside. After dropping out of several public high schools, boarding school had become a last resort. It wasn't even like I meant for this to happen. I was a good kid. I tried, I got good grades. Things just didn't work out. I constantly felt bad for my incompetence and it certainly wasn't helping my mom. This was the best thing for the both of us. She held me tight against her body, noticeably not wanting to say goodbye. She would linger like this for as long as she could.

I pushed open the door to the school, suddenly being met with a wall of hot air. Almost instantaneously, my cheeks rouged and I collected a clammy sweat on my brow. We walked over to the reception, being met with a young-looking female. "Hello, you must be Tegan Clement," she started, standing up and shaking both of our hands, "here are your papers and you should find a map in there. If you'd like to make your way up it the dormitory, we'll find someone to bring up your bags shortly. Mrs Clement, if you could step into the office and work through some paperwork, it would be much appreciated." The woman smiled, using excessive hand gestures when she talked.

My mom turned to me, pulling me into a tight embrace. "Tegan, I'm just a phone call away if ever you need me," her breath was warm in my ear and I concentrated on remembering her scent, "just remember that you're coming home every holiday. And please, for me, try to like this school. I love you."

"I love you too mom," I squeezed tightly before letting go, already missing her familiar arms around me. I fought back the tears daring to fall down my cheeks. I turned away, sighing deeply before continuing ahead. It would be easier if I didn't look back. I pulled out the map, finding it complicated to understand. I got lost several times before actually finding the dorms. There were 5 main dormitories, all divided into different rooms. It was two to a room in the one I was in, which I was grateful for because sharing a room with twenty other girls really wasn't appealing to me. There were communal bathrooms but each room had its own sink, which was better than nothing. When I reached the corridor for my room, girls swarmed all over, running from door to door, laughing and playing. It made me anxious that the people here had already established friends, because soon I'd have to establish my own. I fumbled with the door knob, purposely wasting time, nervous to see what would be waiting for me on the other side.

The room was bright and the windows were pulled open. One side was littered with belongings whilst the other was stripped and clean. A girl hung out the window, dragging on a cigarette. She looked to me, smiling widely. The corners of her mouth wrinkled a little and her short hair was as reckless as mine. Her uniform was untidy, sporting her shirt only half buttoned up; a tie hanging unfastened from her collar. She had her legs up on the window ledge, her bare thighs being exposed from the convenient short skirt.

"Hey, I'm Sara," She looked me up and down, "And you must be my roommate."

"Tegan," I folded my arms across my chest.

"Hi, Tegan, would you like a smoke?" she pointed a Marlboro branded box in my direction. I shook my head, politely denying offer. She took a drag of her own and hung back out the window. I sat on the edge of my bed and peered out my own window, noticing my mom's car disappearing from the complex. I got up, finally removing my damp blazer and hanging it to dry in the closet. The closet was already lined with uniform, not really giving you a chance to wear much else. I grimaced at the private school attire, cringing regarding my future. I took a seat on the bed again. It was more comfortable than I'd initially anticipated.

Sara climbed inside and shut the window, ending the harsh draft that had previously occupied the room. She rolled onto her bed, kicking up her feet and lying back leisurely. "Tell me about you," she said at ease, nodding at me.

"What do you want to know?" I let my fingers play with the soft bed sheets.

"I don't know. Do you have any brothers? Sisters? What's your favourite book? Where are you from? Why are you here?" She looked at me blankly, "anything."

I gulped, feeling anxious from her questioning. I never really liked talking about myself too much and her confident persona put me off. "No brothers. No Sisters. My favourite book right now would have to be The Wolf at the Table by Augusten Burroughs. I'm from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. And I'm here because I haven't found anywhere else that has given me a feeling of substantial belonging." I expected a reaction from her but I was just met with that same blank expression. "You?"

"I don't have any siblings. My favourite book is Independence Day by Richard Ford. I'm also from Calgary, Alberta but I live in Montreal and New York. I'm here because I got kicked out of too many schools and my step dad couldn't deal with me anymore. I like taking long walks, and my favourite food is cheese puffs," she grinned pleasantly, her whole demeanour lighting up with her smile.

"I'm not sure about long walks but I like the ocean. I really like the ocean actually. My favourite food would have to be voodoo doughnuts." I clawed at the sheets trying to calm my nervous disposition.

"See, we're having a conversation," she snickered to herself, "I'm not THAT scary."

"I never said you were." My attempt at wit pleased Sara and she chuckled in response.

"I think I'm gonna like you, kid," she said, turning her attention to the ceiling above her head. "I think I'm gonna like you a lot."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** I'm sorry this took so long, I only read through it once, so, sorry for mistakes. I hope you like this second chapter as much as the first.

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After a week, I still felt unsettled. Don't get me wrong, the teachers were of standard and so were the classes, but outside of all that, it was a lonely time. Sara had been overtly friendly with me but I didn't just want to assume our friendship. She was very extravagant and what I could gather from the other students, everyone seemed to have an opinion on her. She had a casual, relaxed attitude to just about everything. However, she was very charismatic and charming. She could've had people falling at her feet if she wanted. I had an odd fascination with her that I couldn't seem to shake from myself.

It was Saturday night, my first weekend. I imagined home and how I would probably be watching some dumb reality TV show with my mom. I missed it and I just felt like I was at camp. This was the first time I'd properly been away from home without a parent; it was quite an unpleasant experience really. Sara had gone out but I'd denied her invitation to go too; I didn't want to be a burden, especially not to Sara. I rolled over in bed to face the wall, tucking myself further into the sheets. I was warm, cosy, comfortable, but no matter what I did, I just couldn't get to sleep. My mind just couldn't shut off. I felt like I'd been lying there for hours.

Suddenly, the door opened, letting in light from outside before being discontinued again. It looked like Sara had come back, but she wasn't alone. Another female voice accompanied her. I just froze there in bed, pretending like I was asleep. I didn't know what else to do. I was thankful for the fact that I conveniently had my back to them.

"Oh shit, your roommate," from what I could gather, this was Sara's accomplice.

"It's fine. She's asleep."

"No, this is weird, there's someone else here. I can't do this." After that, I heard muffled movement of clothes but I couldn't quite make out what they were doing. Then, the girl whined and let out a few sharp gasps.

"Are you sure? You can't do this?" Sara whispered. You could tell she was trying to be seductive.

"You got me," The girl giggled before she kissed Sara. I heard their bodies fall onto the bed, then, what sounded like the removal of clothes mixed with muffled moans and kisses. This was followed by a repetitive knocking from the headboard.

"Yeah, you like that?" Sara chuckled. The girl made exaggerated moans and called Sara's name a couple of times. All that consumed my mind was the sound of the mattress squeaking repetitively. I went completely blank. I didn't feel anything. It continued for a while before she finally moaned louder than before and the wooden tapping came to a halt. Heavy breathing ensued, the noises from their jaded lungs overriding the room.

The mattress wailed again as the two got up from the bed and began putting their clothes back on. "Are you sure I can't stay the night? If your roommate slept through _that_ I don't think she'd mind."

"It's not about my roommate," Sara said sharply, "you know I don't do sleepovers." The door to the room opened, streaming light back into the space. "Bye," Sara kissed the girl, closing the door shortly after her exit. She wandered over to the sink, turning on the tap to its highest setting. I think the brushed her teeth five times before she actually settled into bed.

The events that had just unfolded swarmed through my mind. Before this point, I didn't even know Sara was gay, although it seemed kind of obvious now. I also wondered if she knew I was actually awake and this was just her being twisted, but I didn't think that she'd be so sordid. I honestly felt like I couldn't have an opinion on this. It was only now that my chest tightened and I felt like I wanted to escape. It hadn't really hit me during the sex. The discomfort rose in my atmosphere and all my muscles tensed. It was like a scream was caught in my oesophagus and there was nothing I could do about it.

_What was I supposed to do now?_

The next day, Sara had already gone by the time I woke up, which was good because then I could avoid awkwardly pretending like nothing had happened. I got dressed and decided to go for a walk around the grounds, considering that there was still a day left of my weekend. I threw on a baggy t-shirt and some skinny jeans before leaving my safe enclosure.

It was still rainy outside, the water immediately soaking me. I didn't want to go inside though. Being alone, outside in the rain, was one of the most peaceful pleasures I'd known. And right then, I needed to think. I wasn't even quite sure why I needed to think- I just did. My converse squelched as I paced across the damp lawns, not particularly caring about anything else. My hair became dishevelled quickly, cascading disorderly across my face. Palms and brow had turned clammy too soon for comfort as my skin failed hastily in the soggy air. I buried my hands inside my pockets, enjoying the warm cavity.

I weaved in and out of the trees, finding contentment in the unfamiliarity of the terrain. I contemplated Sara's "happenings" the previous night. I hadn't properly realised up until this point, but I'd developed something of a crush for Sara. I mean, who could blame me? She was stunning. Her bone structure was absolutely flawless and everything she did seemed to spark something inside me. I wasn't entirely certain if it was my raging hormones or not, but hell did she turn me on. I sort of felt guilty for feeling this way towards her, stealing every little glance I could. I just felt so nervous around her and I didn't want her to have a bad judgement on me. Last night had given me the confirmation that something could actually happen between us but the last thing I wanted to do was get my hopes up.

Soon, time had turned into hours, and the rain had gone through to my skin. I hadn't even noticed my bones shaking uncontrollably. Coming to the decision to go inside, I headed back towards the taunting building. I dripped onto the tiled floor, leaving trails of droplets everywhere. I ignored the hoards of criticising eyes and went straight to the showers; to hopefully relent the shudders in my bones.

I grabbed a towel and stripped, found a vacant stall and closed myself inside. I shut on the water, getting a rush of steamy, hot, goodness pouring onto me suddenly. I combed my fingers through my hair, scraping it back off my face. Eventually, my insides warmed and I felt myself transitioning into a healthier version of me again. I sighed deeply under the boiling glaze, discovering feelings of exhaustion behind my eyes.

Once my skin had become a fresh pink tone, I came out; wrapping the small towel around me as much as I could. I was vaguely displeased with the lack of coverage but it wasn't like much could happen in the time it would take for me to walk from the bathroom to my room. In fact, no one even lifted their head. I guess it was fairly normal to see chicks walking around in their towels. One thing that I did notice though, is that no one seemed to have any piercings or tattoos. It sort of made me feel out of place with my labret and the two small tattoos on either arm. The only other person I knew here with a tattoo was Sara, which was a weird pattern on her left bicep. Sara and I also both had multiple earrings in each ear; they probably paired me with the best roommate I could get.

I turned the knob to the room, striving to hold up my towel. Sara had returned; lying on her bed with her face buried in book. I now felt confident enough to speak to her. "Hey, where've you been?" I said, sitting on the edge of the bed. My towel shifted higher up my thighs, basically exposing my legs completely.

"I could say the same for you," she replied and put her book down, finally facing me. You could tell she hadn't expected to see me towel clad and her eyes scanned over my body. She locked on my thighs, noticeably struggling to pull away. I couldn't stop the blush collecting on my cheeks. She made my insides crumble without even trying.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I said, embarrassingly failing to pull the towel down any more.

"Well, I went out for like 10 minutes and I got back and you were gone. And you've been gone for most of the day. I'm only asking this out of curiosity, but where did you go?" I was already feeling myself being sucked into her perfect brown eyes.

"I just went out for a walk."

"In the rain?" She asked apprehensively.

"Yeah… why do you ask?" I clutched my elbows, slightly nervous of her.

"Because, it's not like you have anyone to hang around with… It's just interesting." It seemed like her words were harsh but she was right; I didn't have any friends. I hadn't realised how odd my actions had been.

"I needed to think." I nodded to myself, finally looking away from her stare.

"Why?" She folded her legs and put her hand under her chin, putting all her attention on me.

"What's with all the questions?"

"Just tell me."

I paused little bit. My stomach dropped at the thought of her pounding that girl. I gulped, finding my throat completely dry. "I heard you… last night."

"Heard what?" she said, seemingly unfazed.

My stomach dropped again and I felt myself panic a little bit. I really hoped she wouldn't play dumb so I wouldn't have to spell it out for her. "Don't make me say it." I clutched my elbow tighter, pinching the skin until it hurt.

A smile plastered itself on her face and her cheeks visibly went crimson. "Oh, that. I forgot," she began to laugh it off, finding herself unaware of what to do. She scratched the back of her head and slightly smiled in apology. "If you don't mind me asking, how many times did you hear it?"

"You did it more than once?" I suddenly got the feeling that Sara was maybe a little too comfortable in my company and I wasn't certain I wanted to become accustomed to that.

"I'm sorry," she giggled, "Um, this is an awkward question but, what did you hear?"

"To be quite honest with you Sara, I wasn't really concentrating on specific details." I joked, trying my best to find a positive outlook in this conversation.

"No, I didn't mean like that. Like, after… we… you know… finished, did I say 'I don't do sleepovers' or 'I don't mix business with pleasure'?"

"Sleepovers," I replied pausing a little before I continued, "You don't mix business with pleasure?"

She blushed, feeling embarrassed with herself. "Basically, I fuck this girl called Stacy because she does all my schoolwork for me… it's a two way deal. She usually wants to stay afterwards but I don't like cuddles. I mean, I'd rather be alone in my own bed. So… I don't mix business with pleasure."

"That's kind of complicated for someone your age, don't you think Sara?"

"You'd be surprised how mature I am Teegs," She casually slurred my name. I was taken aback by her statement, anxiety washing over me.

"Anyway, sleepovers girl, what about her?" I quickly tried to move on so that she could make me concentrate less on what she just said, slightly letting my curiosity take over.

"Oh, that's Emy. We used to date but it didn't work out… We're now more friends with benefits if you get what I mean." I nodded, starting to wonder about Sara's back catalogue.

"Just for future reference, is there anyone else I should know about?" I said teasingly, triggering her to chuckle.

"Not at the moment, no. I'll let you know." Sara now walked over to my bed and put her arm around me to squeeze me into a hug.

"Thanks for being cool with this, Tegan. You're the coolest roommate ever." I smiled on her shoulder, taking in her scent in the embrace. I felt myself getting too comfortable in her arms. It looked like Sara and I were unmistakably going to be friends now that she'd shared this with me. I kind of liked that notion.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **And then after 5000 years, I updated this fic. I've just had a giant mental block with the plot and I have no idea where it's going to go. I was actually going to update this a week ago but I added to the chapter after thatsoundssofictional gave me an idea. Please leave me plot ideas because I'm partially lost of what to do. Sorry this took me so long to update and I hope this chapter isn't too much of a disappointment.

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_Chapter Three: Can you get me off your mind?_

Sara lounged back on the bed with her legs up and bent. She rested a book between her thighs, flicking the pages every so often. I scribbled in a notebook, trying not to stare at her too much. I shamelessly crushed on her, completely surrendering to my feelings. We'd grown massively closer in the past few days, flaunting out friendship to everyone. Sara had taken me under her wing and I was more than happy to follow.

She got up abruptly, placing a cigarette between her teeth and going through the hourly ritual of hanging out the window. "Are you sure you don't want one?" She asked, sparking it up. I felt a rush of spontaneity ripple through me and I jumped up from my own bed.

"Fuck it, I'll try it." I walked over to her, purposely standing too close in the window frame.

"Really?" Her face lit up and she passed me hers. She smiled at me curiously while I glanced at the object in my fingers.

"I don't know how to…" I blushed in embarrassment, crumbling under her gaze.

"Come here, let me help." She positioned herself behind me and locked her fingers across my stomach. I tensed from the touch; suddenly feeling nervous. "Okay, you take it in and then you breathe in. I'll guide you through it." Her warm breath was hot in my ear, tingling everywhere in my body. I brought up the cigarette to my face and took it between my lips. "Not too much," she giggled. I took in the smoke, holding my breath and waiting for further instruction. "Now…" she whispered lowly, "breathe in..." I inhaled the smoke; the sudden lack of oxygen in my lungs taking immediate effect. I spluttered and coughed, gasping for air. I laughed at myself, forcing the coughing to stop as to not embarrass myself more in front of Sara. She let go of my stomach and turned to face me. She took her cigarette back and took a hit with expertise. I couldn't fight the stale smoky taste lingering in my throat. My brain zoomed insanely and it felt like I was on a high.

"Is my head supposed to feel this fuzzy?" I chuckled. Sara smiled back and flicked the remains of her cigarette into the evening. She closed the window but kept the closeness between us.

"It always does the first time," her voice was husky, fresh from the smoke. Anticipation built in our atmosphere and the tension closed in around us. Sara bit her lip and her eyes flickered up and down from my lips. She hesitated for a second, but then she began to inch in. I froze, completely unaware of how to act. Her breath tickled my lips and she glanced into my eyes one last time before gently pushing herself against me. It took a few seconds to adjust, but I cupped her jaw and moved my lips in sync with hers.

She pulled away first, licking her lips and smiling wickedly. There was a pleasant silence for a few moments before she said anything. "Do you like me, Tegan?"

I blushed hard; my gut fluttering relentlessly. "Yes." I looked down at my feet, giggling at my shyness. "Was I really that obvious?"

"I think it's cute." Her fingers grazed my jaw, guiding me to look at her. "I think you're cute." She leant in to kiss me again, her lips feeling soft against mine.

We were suddenly disturbed by a knock at the door. Sara rolled her eyes and marched to the door angrily. Without saying anything, Stacy pushed Sara aside and threw herself on the bed. "Hi… Tegan? Is it?" she said almost cynically. I nodded shyly in reply. Sara leant against the wall and folded her arms across her chest; she was visibly uncomfortable.

"What do you want Stace?" She sighed. I couldn't quite tell if she was disappointed by Stacy's arrival or just irritated. She avoided my gaze avidly.

"Well, Sara, I think we have some business to attend to… don't you?" Stacy pouted and shot a look at me. It was like she was trying to send invisible daggers into my skin. It sent me cold, tearing into my muscles unexpectedly.

"I'm gonna go." I brushed passed Sara, hoping for her to object. Much to my distaste, she said nothing, looking only to Stacy. I felt slightly put out from being kicked out of my own room but it was quite obviously inevitable. Stacy wasn't going to leave until she got some and Sara didn't have the balls to say no.

Initially, it didn't make me angry but the building jealousy in my gut thought otherwise. I'd just kissed Sara. Probably the one moment I'd been waiting for since the first time I'd laid eyes on her. And not even five minutes later, she was spending the night with her dysfunctional fuck-buddy. Honestly, I was kidding myself to think I could make her mine. Once again, I got carried away with my elaborate fantasies. As if I could change her womanizer ways. Who did I think I was fooling?

But then, I went to the only place I could go. I'd befriended a Miss Lindsey Byrnes, who sat next to me in math class. She was nice. I wasn't all that close with her, since she and Sara weren't exactly friends; but maybe this was a chance to get better acquainted. It wasn't like I had anything to lose.

"Hey Tegan, come in." She stepped aside to let me in her dorm. Coincidentally, she shared with Stacy, so was entirely aware of my decision for seeking company. I sat down on her bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I felt out of place, suddenly getting the impression I was unwelcome. Nonetheless, Lindsey sat next to me, sweeping her books off the bed. "Sara and Stacy kick you out, huh?"

"You could say," I sighed, holding my legs tighter. She rubbed small circles on my back in an attempt to relieve me.

"You'll get used to it after a while… I did." She smiled weakly. She was the only person I could talk to, with the knowledge that she knew exactly what I was going through. Well, maybe not exactly, because I doubt she had a tedious crush on Sara and swooned after her 90% of the day. I nodded at her, reassuring her a little.

"I'm not sure I want to talk about it," I said. I refused to relax my muscles, still apprehensive in my surroundings.

"Who needs to talk?" She giggled, suddenly reaching around under the bed. I watched intently, curious of what she was trying to accomplish. She retrieved a large bottle of translucent liquor and twisted off the lid. "Care to join me?" She pressed the glass neck to her lips and took several heavy gulps. Disgust washed over her features and she closed her eyes tightly. She pointed it in my direction. Nervously, I took it from her, taking my own swig from the bottle. The strong spirit stung the back of my throat but I tried to down it quickly. It burnt down my oesophagus and warmed my insides mercilessly. I sipped it a second time, having less of a violent reaction to Lindsey.

"There you go," she giggled, punching my arm playfully. "That's more like it." She snatched the bottle from my grasp, drinking the alcohol hastily. The drink didn't quite settle me but it was enough. I wasn't usually the drinking type, but maybe the trick was to drown my sorrows. I just wanted to get _her_ off my mind.

All of a sudden, the door swung open, presenting a beaming, tall, brunette on the other side. She dashed in, swiping the bottle from Lindsey and taking a large gulp before continuing. "You got company LB?" She smiled at me, giving me a once over.

"This is Tegan," Lindsey said, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. "Tegan, this is Emily. Emy for short." Emy went to shake my hand, gripping it firmly and keeping sharp eye-contact.

"LB, we're going out… do you want to come?" Emy took and another drink from the bottle, continuing to eye me curiously.

"Well, I was going to stay with Tegan tonight. Tegan, do you want to go out?" Both girls tuned all their attention to me. I hesitated a little. I was not dressed for such an occasion but I couldn't possibly go back to my room.

"Where are we going?" I asked, my voice shaky from the pressure. Emy smirked and pouted at Lindsey.

"A bar," Lindsey smiled. She removed her touch from my shoulders.

"Okay," I stuttered a little. I was sceptical about accompanying the two of them, but I felt like denying the offer would disappoint them. It turned out that a small group of girls were actually going to the bar. I knew none of them but I had an idea of who they were because a few of them were friends with Sara. But all in all, the only people I knew by name were Emy and Lindsey. I stuck timidly to Lindsey's side the whole time, nervous around the new people.

Getting into the bar, it didn't take long to figure out what kind of bar it was. The room was full of females grinding and dancing upon one another. They'd taken me to a gay bar. The air was sweaty and warm, hitting my skin immediately upon stepping inside. The entire group sat down at a table and I helplessly followed their actions. Admittedly, I felt uncomfortable. I'd never really addressed my sexuality before… I just knew that I wasn't straight. It felt like I'd been thrown in at the deep end, reaching for the surface and not being quite able to grasp it. Lindsey was comfortable enough however.

"Are you okay, Tegan?" Lindsey asked. Emy turned up at the table with a tray full of drinks. Lindsey handed me one and hugged my shoulders again.

"Yeah… I'm fine." I sighed. It seemed to have been one hell of a night.

She pushed herself close to my ear. "Relax," She whispered, grinning widely and squeezing me tighter.

"Are you gay, Tegan?" Emy shouted from across the table, raising an eyebrow. I spluttered, the question coming unexpectedly.

"I- I don't know." I felt uncomfortable being around so many people I didn't know. Many of them were laughing and holding each other. I didn't even feel comfortable talking to people I knew, let alone telling people I'd never met things I was still unsure of.

"But you have a crush on Sara right?" She grinned smugly and resumed questioning.

"No," I said protectively. I began to blush to the extent where I couldn't hide it, even in the dark lighting. I was giving myself away without even trying.

"Emy, stop it. Leave the poor girl," Lindsey defended me. She gave me another reassuring squeeze. I tensed in Lindsey's arms and I wanted nothing more than to leave but I didn't want to seem rude. Anxiety began to set in and it seemed like the best option would be for me to go.

"Lindsey, I actually feel really sick. I think I'm just going to go back." I felt embarrassed in front of her.

"I'll go with you," she said, standing up and grabbing her jacket.

"No, really, you don't have to," I panicked, not wanting to be a burden.

"It's okay," she smiled, "you can sleep in my room anyway since Sara and Stacy are preoccupied." The mention of her name felt like a kick in the guts. Without further discussion, Lindsey tugged me out of the bar and we headed back towards the school.

"Sorry for making you leave so soon." I looked down at my feet shyly.

"It's fine… I was happy to… Tegan, have you ever been to a gay bar?" There was sincerity in her voice.

"No," I sighed, more embarrassment washing over me. Without warning, Lindsey pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay, Tegan," she embraced me tighter, "don't worry about it." The walk back was long and cold and less awkward than I'd assumed it would be. Lindsey's company was pleasant and enough for me to put up my mask. I just couldn't stop thinking about Sara.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Please don't hate me for this chapter. I promise, it WILL get better. Terribly sorry it's been so long, I'll make more of an effort in the future. Anyway, please review and try to enjoy. Also, you can get me on

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_Chapter 4_

The stirring female beside me brought me out of sleep. She tossed and snuggled into my back. I hadn't wanted to sleep in her room. I hadn't even wanted to sleep in her bed. If Lindsey hadn't insisted, I would've slept on the floor, exactly how I'd wanted to. Lindsey had persistently begged me to stay with her all night, even when I really just wanted to be on my own. She barely even let me pee by myself. It was becoming insufferable. Right now though, her sticky body felt uncomfortable next to my own.

The morning sun gave the room an intense brightness, which hurt my eyes for a little while. The windows were facing the sunrise, so it was consequently brighter than the room Sara and I shared. Stacy hadn't returned when we'd gotten back to the room last night, but she had come in at some point during the early hours. She was tangled in her sheets, her stomach and thighs exposed to me. I could see now why Sara wanted her. Her face didn't give nearly as much justice for her body. She was stunning.

Lindsey shuffled again and it prompted me to turn around in the single bed. As expected, she was awake and graced me with a pleasant smile when my gaze met hers. Around her eyes were darkened bruises and her hair was in wisps across her forehead. I felt slightly unsettled like this; so close to someone I barely knew in their bed. "Lindsey… I think I'm gonna go," I whispered, biting my lip awkwardly.

Her fingers grasped the hem of my shirt tightly. "No, don't go. Please stay," She begged desperately.

"Thank you for letting me stay, but I should really get back now." She nodded and released my shirt reluctantly. I'd slept fully clothed despite how much Lindsey had tried to get me to not. She'd offered me spare pyjamas, but I never complied. I climbed carefully out of the bed, compassionately tucking her in after brushing myself down. Her smile was sweet and thankful, but I still felt a little guilty. Innocently, I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead and left as quietly as I could.

When I reached my room, I felt ready to collapse. My legs were weak and the short journey between dorms had completely taken it out of me. Dragging my feet, my converse scratched the wooden floors and the soles seemed heavier than usual. I smelt awful too. The lingering smell of alcohol and perspiration was inescapable. I was only too thankful no one else was around, because they'd surely be just as repulsed as I was. Now, I partially regretted not taking up the offer to borrow some of Lindsey's pyjamas.

Discovering the dark interior made me know that Sara was in there. I wasn't sure if she was asleep, but I sure as hell didn't want to wake her. Even the idea of her made me feel anxious right now. Soundlessly after taking off my clothes, I got into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. I was too awake to fall back to sleep. I pushed my legs up so that I was in the foetal position and closed my eyes tight. The weird sensation of tears building in my eyes became overwhelming and it was suddenly apparent that it would be difficult to be in the presence of Sara. Smothering my sobs, I refused to let anything out. I was so confused about everything and my vulnerability was shining through.

Just then, I felt pressure add to my mattress and I instinctively froze. An arm latched around my waist from behind and I let a body press itself against my back. My visitor placed gentle kisses along my shoulder blade and the tears rolled unstoppably from my eyes. "I'm sorry," Sara whispered, her lips moving to my nape.

"It's okay," I choked out. I had to bite down on my lip as to not break out into violent cries.

"It's not though, is it?" Her fingertips trailed over my waist and lower back. This was the soft side to Sara no one else saw. Sara never let anyone in; she was strict around what she kept on her surface. Her kisses came forward a little and settled behind my ear. "I shouldn't have put you in that position," her voice was husked, relaxed and low, and hit me in pleasured waves. "The thing is Tegan, you don't want me. You think you do, but you don't. I use women. I know I do. It's who I am. I sleep around and I can't stop that for anyone. I'm not unfaithful, but I stray, you know? I just can't get attached to people, and if I do, I push them away. I can't help it. It just happens. And when that happens to you, it'll hurt. Tegan, you're the one person I don't want to do that to. Do you understand? It's not that I don't want you, I just can't."

I turned around, looking at her properly. Her face was relaxed but her eyes were glistening just as much as mine. I brought my fingers to cup her jaw and her eyelids fluttered shut. I'd never seen her so raw and vulnerable before. She was tearing at wounds she really didn't want to open. I studied her face, exploring all her flaws and cavities that couldn't be seen from a distance. I still thought she was beautiful. "Don't tell me what I want," I spoke calmly. Her eyes reopened to meet mine instantly. I wished I knew what she was thinking, just to claw under the impenetrable exterior. She suddenly grabbed my waist and pulled me into a tight hug. She buried her head in the crook of my neck and everything just felt perfect. This is what I knew I wanted; her, like this. I didn't even care that I was sweating; I just really didn't want her to leave my arms. I could feel her heart thumping and it only made my own heartbeat flail and fracture.

Without warning, she let me go, pulling away and sitting up. She smiled and all her features appeared soft as they graced her face. "Hey, there's a party in one of the junior's dorms… Are you gonna come?" she abruptly asked. I grimaced at the thought of having to spend more time in a mass group, especially after last night, but I really couldn't deny Sara. Not now.

"I guess so," I sighed. I stretched my arms out and purposely dropped them so that my fingers brushed against hers. She tried to look like she hadn't taken any particular notice to the touch, but she wasn't fooling me at all. The nervous shift in her eyes said it all. In reply, she simply smiled and took off from the bed. Opening the window, she placed a cigarette between her teeth and let the nicotine bleed into her. I had come to like the way the smell lingered for a while after every cigarette and how it echoed in her husky breath. Everything about her screamed attraction and it only fuelled my infatuation.

Her phone rattled against her bed-side table and she quickly reached over to get it. Her eyes scanned the screen before she typed something out. Throwing her Blackberry down on the bed, she began removing the baggy attire she'd slept in and replacing it with more fitting, crisp clothes. "I have to go for a bit, but I'll be back in a little while," she mumbled under her breath and I wondered slightly if she'd even said anything at all. And with that, she walked out, leaving me alone. I assumed she just wanted to isolate herself after letting herself be so open. Her vulnerable side had returned deep into her soul and I wasn't sure if I would ever get to see it again. Either way, the happiness rippled over my pores with the honour of witnessing the parts of her no one else did.

* * *

Time passed all too quickly and soon enough, I was forced to go to the party. In all honesty, I didn't really want to go. Parties weren't really my thing. The room was dark and extremely crowded; very well excelling its twenty person capacity. Girls were scattered everywhere and were huddled in little groups and cliques, none of which I belonged to. Music bellowed and vibrated through the walls, echoing before you even got to taste it.

Upon arriving, Sara slipped away from me and headed towards her friends. I went to follow her, but I was quickly intercepted by Lindsey and dragged in the opposite direction. She hauled her arms around me and crushed me tightly against her front. I didn't even attempt to hug her in return, admittedly taken aback by her action. Before I could process what was happening, I found myself standing in a circle of unfamiliar people with my fingers clinging desperately to a plastic cup. Lindsey laughed and chatted easily and was visibly enjoying herself. Unlike me, she was comfortable around these people and the party atmosphere had really allowed her to relax. I couldn't really tell why, but her smile had this way of emitting good feelings that passed into you, whether you wanted them to or not. Honestly, she looked beautiful, very much the opposite of this morning; the obvious effort she'd put into her appearance really paid off.

"Everyone, this is Tegan, she's new so make her feel welcome," Lindsey announced and wrapped her arms around my waist from behind. The people in the circle accepted me and nodded politely in my general direction. The way she was holding me just didn't sit right in my stomach. If I could've stopped the way my muscles tightened rather than relaxed, I would have. I glanced over to Sara, whose eyes were burning holes into Lindsey. Noticing me, she immediately looked away, pretending her anger had been momentary. Sara's evident jealously sent kicks to my gut, making all my insides flutter. Lindsey's grasp tightened as she tried to engage me, but I couldn't take my eyes off Sara, who had started peering over every couple of seconds.

Eventually, I plunked up the courage to ask Lindsey to let go. "Linds, um, I'm just going over there to see my friend," I pointed towards Sara, "I'll come and see you later, okay?" She squeezed me tightly in goodbye, knocking the air out of me for a second time. I quickly shuffled over to Sara, anxious to get away from everyone I'd just stood with. She was facing the other way, seeming oblivious to my departure from the group. Finally reaching her, I threw my arms around her neck, pressing myself into her back. Briefly looking over her shoulder, she beamed when she recognised me. She attempted to hide it, but even the darkened room couldn't disguise the crimson collected in her cheeks.

I remained with Sara for the rest of the evening and she kept a constant eye on me, protectively wrapping an arm around me. I'd honestly never felt happier. The fact that she was practically claiming me as hers was enough alone to give me tingles. Even socialising in her circle of friends was easier than Lindsey's. Sara repeatedly made sure that I was okay and was more than happy to top up my drink if I sought after it. Additionally, almost as if reading my mind, the moment I started yearning to leave, Sara suggested we go back to the dorm. It was like I had a connection with Sara I hadn't yet discovered among anyone else. She just knew me, despite the short time we'd shared a friendship. It was special.

Just as we left the party, Lindsey caught up with me. "Hey, Tegan, can I talk to you for a moment?" I turned to Sara, begging her to answer for me. She just nodded and walked away swiftly, avoiding Lindsey as much as she could. I was reluctant in letting her go, but Lindsey seemed desperate in getting my attention.

"What is it?" I questioned, once we were alone. She nervously clawed at the skin on her elbow, glancing down at her feet. It was then, I realised, that this was important. She wasn't joking round or playing anymore. All I could do was watch her intently, patient for her reply.

"I really like you Tegan," She sighed and finally locked eyes with me. She looked almost tearful. However, I was left lost for words. I hadn't considered her romantically or had any lust for her before. Struggling to breathe, I gulped hard, ferociously trying to figure out what to do in my head. Suddenly my face erupted in warmth and I knew that I was blushing. Lindsey shifted her weight, breathing heavily. Stabbing sensations engulfed my entire torso. "Tegan, I want you to be my girlfriend." Her further comment sent me over the edge and my mind went into panic. I couldn't say yes, I was in love with Sara. I couldn't say no, it would hurt her. Either way, I was screwed.

A few moments passed and I still hadn't muttered a reply. Ultimately, I said the only thing I could deem reasonable. "I'll think about it." She pulled me into a hug and laid her head on my shoulder. For a few seconds, I thought she was going to cry, but surprisingly, she didn't. Nothing else was said and she walked away without saying goodbye. In all honesty, I felt empty. I'd never been put in that position before and I'd panicked through the entire thing… Is that what it was supposed to feel like? I remained in the corridor for a minute or so, gathering my scattered thoughts before inching my way back to my room.

* * *

Even before turning the door handle, I knew something was wrong. That I wasn't going to like the thing on the other side. Something just compelled me not to go in. However, unable to justify such feelings, I ignored it and opened the door anyway.

Inside was dark but not dark enough. Sara jumped anyway from Emy, standing there panicked like a deer caught in headlights. Emy wiped her mouth, coyly smirking. "Seriously? Again?" I was furious. I wanted Sara to defend herself. Plead for my forgiveness. But she just stood there. Not even close to uttering a sorry. I know she expected me to understand; feel sympathetic for the fact that she screwed around. But this was too far. After being close to me all evening, she still found the will to arrange a booty call while I was gone for all of five minutes. "It's always going to be this way isn't it?" Sara looked down at her feet. I couldn't tell if she was genuinely embarrassed by her actions, or just embarrassed she got caught. Either way, I couldn't stand to be in her presence anymore.

I turned on the spot and slammed the door behind me as hard as I could. Angrily marching off, I made up my mind on Lindsey's proposition. I was done chasing after Sara. With a destination in tow, I headed straight for Lindsey's dorm before I could feel any slight hesitation. I had to do this now while I was still certain.

My knock was harder than necessary. I'd stopped panicking and I was ready to throw myself head first over the edge. Fortunately, it didn't take long for her to answer, already dressed in pyjamas. "Tegan?" She was surprised to see me, "What are you doing here?" She scratched her head slightly, raising an eyebrow at me in confusion.

I gulped hard, choking back all resistance and said what I needed to. "Okay," I said. Eyes wide open. Not even a glint of uncertainty slipping through. She knew what I meant and I sure as hell didn't have to say it twice. I dived forward, kissing her urgently. She wrapped her arms around my neck, deepening the kiss. I didn't know what love felt like. I'd never felt it before, but being fuelled on in spite of Sara probably wasn't the way to go. Clouded by anger, I intended to kiss Lindsey until the hurt dissipated. Admittedly, using her consumed me with guilt but it didn't matter to me as long as I was forgetting Sara. The whole world shut off then, like everything in existence was caught in that moment. I blocked everything out, only a shrill ringing swarming in every corner in my head. The emptiness I'd felt before outside the party crept back in and sat heavily in the pit of my gut. And then, I realised, I had no idea what I was doing.

Lindsey pulled away first, grinning elatedly. She weaved her fingers into my hair and kissed me softly on the end of my nose. "You're so cute," She giggled, pressing her lips to mine again. Dipping her tongue behind my teeth, she moaned, tickling my mouth with the vibrations. I kept my eyes open through the kiss, studying as her eyes danced under her eyelids. Suddenly, the anxious walls built themselves thickly around me, surrounding in every direction, practically drowning me like soil in a shallow grave. But Lindsey _was_ a grave, and I was helplessly trapped in her prison. Clawing myself out already seemed impossible, so I collapsed, accepting my fate. However, I had no one else to blame, since I'd dug the grave myself.

Sara was now massively too distant to grasp and all I could think, was would I ever get her back?


End file.
